The Goblin Royals
by KBates
Summary: Jareth and Sarah are married and have three children. This is a glimpse into the Goblin royal family members' lives and relationships. Dark, absurdist humor. Dysfunctional family relationships. Take note of the word absurdist. One shot- complete.


One shot fic—inspired by Wes Anderson movies.

 _Disclaimer: I don't own anything apart from my original characters._

Characters:

Jareth: The Goblin King

Sarah: The occasional Goblin Queen

Mara: 25 year old playwright and stage director

Kassan: 25 year old meditation enthusiast who wants to be a Tibetan monk.

Star: 21 year old, finishing her undergrad. Wants to go to med-school.

* * *

 _(Mara)…_

The Goblin King paces through his personal sitting room while his eldest child, by two minutes, looks on, unperturbed.

"Your mother refuses to attend the season's equinox celebrations, and you're telling me to calm down?" He raises a perfectly arched brow, his lips pursing into a thin line of discontentment. "She is Queen and it is her _duty_ to attend the celebrations, by _my_ side."

The dark haired woman of 25 inhales a Moroccan, rose flavored cigarette, her dark eyes completely without emotion. She's dressed in a jet black pencil skirt paired with a similar colored blouse. Used to her father's occasional hysterics, she rolls her eyes at his outrage. "Yes, well, maybe she didn't like what happened the last time, Jareth," she says, her voice flat, "I wasn't there, but Star did say you were almost fucking two redheaded women, _publically_."

Jareth looks chagrined. "Would it kill you to call me father, Mara? And must you subject me to the foul smoke created by your atrocious human habit?"

"No," Mara replies, taking another drag, "to answer either of you questions. But you're far more of a Jareth than father and I happen to like my atrocious human habit."

Jareth doesn't bother arguing with her—the girl seems to have inherited Sarah's stubbornness along with his aloofness. "Your mother," he begins, "attended the event with a pathetic human escort, am I not allowed my frivolities?"

Mara shrugs, playing with a long strand of dark hair. "Sure you are. But I can understand why she's refusing to attend this year." Sighing, she continues, "In any case, I didn't come here to hear your many complaints—I'm headed to Dubai to meet with the censor board, they're agreeing to air my play as long as I follow certain rules. Would you like me to bring you anything?"

The Goblin King looks confused—he isn't used to human geography and he doesn't understand why his daughter simply doesn't use some compulsion to bypass this 'censor board.' "What's available in this place called Dubai?" he asks.

Mara's lips quirk up an eighth of an inch. "Gold. I've heard the Cartier branch there sells gold leopard statuettes studded with diamonds and emeralds—you know, shiny, gaudy things you'd like."

Jareth looks thoughtful—he does like gold and he does like shiny, gaudy things. "Alright," he agrees, "bring me some gold statues."

* * *

 _(Kassan)…_

"Mother, you can't just poof in here when you feel like it. People will get suspicious," says a dark haired man, looking around the mostly empty monastery to see if anyone has noticed his mother.

"Then use a little compulsion to get rid of their suspicions," comes his mother's swift reply. "You need to stop this nonsense Kassan—go home and spend some time with your father so he doesn't harass _me_."

Kassan glares at her, no one in his bloody family seems to take him seriously. "When I said I was going to meditate in the Himalayas for 20 years, I was absolutely serious. I'm not going to go spend time with father simply because you want him to stop harassing you."

Sarah sighs. He seems to have inherited her dramatic flair along with Jareth's general prim donna-ness. "Baby, you can't be serious," she coaxes. "Mara unnerves him to no end and poor Star is always left to deal with him—it's her last year at Columbia and she should focus on her school work."

Kassan shakes his head defiantly. "It's not fair," he says, "Mara has always gotten to do what she wants, let her deal with him for a while."

"Baby," Sarah says soothingly, ruffling his dark hair, "I know it's not fair, but Mara's busy promoting her new play. She gave up the throne to you, darling, you have to spend time in your kingdom. Escaping to the Himalayas isn't really an option for a prince."

"I gave up the throne as well—so I'm not playing Goblin Prince to father's Goblin King. If you want to get technical, mother, _you_ are Queen. You should spend time in _your_ kingdom as well," Kassan says, staying firm on his stance. "Last I heard, you were gallivanting around Bora Bora with some _commercial_ artist." He says the last part in utter distaste.

Sarah waves off his comment easily—trust Kassan to use the term commercial as an insult. "Your childhood memories should be a reminder that your father and I will _kill_ each other should we stay together for more than a few months at a time, darling."

"Don't remind me," Kassan says, half shuddering, half laughing as he remembers his… _rather interesting_ childhood memories. "Frankly, the two of you should be left to deal with each other considering the trauma you put us through."

Frowning slightly, Sarah replies, her voice short, "Stop being so dramatic, Kassan."

* * *

 _(Star)…_

The Goblin King finds himself in the familiar position of pacing through his personal sitting room. Except—instead of venting to his firstborn, he's venting to his youngest child, his angel. The last remaining family member who hasn't completely abandoned him for the human world.

"Father, I don't think it's going to be as bad as you're making it out to be," Star says, keeping her voice gentle. "She did agree to attend."

"She almost refused when I told her I wouldn't allow her most recent paramour into my kingdom," Jareth vents, his voice acidic. "Of all the nerve." Of course, Sarah Williams _does_ have all the nerve. And then some. That's what draws Jareth to her in the first place.

 _Not that again_ , Star thinks, sighing—she's glad her midterms are over or she wouldn't be able to study with all the family drama in the background. "Think from her perspective," she explains, "She's worried about what you'll do this year—she probably hates seeing you with other women." After years of practice, Star knows how to feed her father's ego.

"Really?" Jareth asks aloud, a brow raised thoughtfully. "You think it bothers her?"

Star doesn't miss a beat, "Of course," she reassures him. "She probably misses you far more than she lets on."

The Goblin King looks lost in thought, "Maybe you're right."

"She'll never admit how much she misses you, because you _know_ how she is," Star continues, looking at him sympathetically. "But, I bet if you're nice to her, she'll be nice to you in return."

Jareth smiles a wicked smile—oh, he'll be nice to her alright. He'll be as _nice_ as he can.

* * *

 _(Star again)…_

"He's _obviously_ not going to be okay with your new boyfriend tagging along, Mother," Star says with a roll of her jade colored eyes, "As the King and Queen, you should attend the celebrations together. Avoid last year's scandal."

"He's more of a short-time friend than boyfriend, darling, you know that," Sarah says with a shake of her head. "Though, perhaps, you are correct—we should attend together." Her eyes brighten as she looks at her youngest daughter, "I hear you're being announced as the new heir—Crown Princess Star, future ruler of the Goblin Kingdom."

Running her hands through her light brown hair, Star looks at her mother angrily. "It's really unfair that Mara gets to be a playwright who combines absurdist themes with modern dance and Kassan gets to be a moron," she complains. " _I_ wanted to do something _good_ for the world and go to medical school—combine magic with human medicine to fight viruses like HIV and Ebola. But _nooooooo_ , I have to be _heir_ and _Crown Princess_."

"Oh darling," Sarah consoles her lastborn, "Mara doesn't care about anything and Kassan thinks meditating will help goblins clam down. Do you really think either is fit to rule?"

"It's not fair," Star mumbles.

"No it isn't," Sarah agrees, "But one makes sacrifices when one is born into a royal family."

* * *

 _(Night of the season's equinox celebrations)…_

"They're sucking face," Mara deadpans, her humorless expression set on her parents, who seem to be…rather amorous at the moment.

Kassan looks at his younger sister, a brow raised, "You called me here to keep them from killing each other for _nothing_."

"I didn't know they'd start sucking face," Star says defensively, "Anyway, I shouldn't be the only one who has to deal with both of them at the same time. Give me a hard time and I'll refuse the crown—the whole thing will get reverted back to the two of you."

The twins look at each other cautiously. "Alright," Mara concedes, "Let's call a truce." She raises a champagne flute and the other two do the same. "Here's hoping they create another heir tonight so none of us has to deal with becoming the next Goblin monarch."

The three Goblin royals click their champagne flutes together.

* * *

 _(Epilogue)…_

Mara stops writing and directing absurdist plays and becomes a NASA scientist.

Kassan keeps getting interrupted (by his family, who else?) while attempting to meditate in the Himalayas. So he moves to the moon instead.

Star doesn't go to med school, but she becomes a wildlife enthusiast and moves to Kenya.

Jareth remains Goblin King…and Sarah remains the occasional Goblin Queen. They don't have any more children.

The end.

* * *

I had far more fun writing this than I should have had.


End file.
